


my brain is a human body

by braingunk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Vessel Consent Issues (Supernatural), Character Study, Consent Issues, Dissociation, Ficlet, Gen, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester-centric, This is like ?? Pre Jack and Post Gadreel that's all I can tell you, Timeline What Timeline, also in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braingunk/pseuds/braingunk
Summary: There are times when Sam looks in the mirror and can’t quite recognise his own face.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	my brain is a human body

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags carefully before reading!!
> 
> Title is from the AJJ song of the same name as I've always associated it with Sam. Also this hasn't been beta-ed so feel free to correct any typos in the comments.

There are times when Sam looks in the mirror and can’t recognise his own face. The first few times it happened he would squint and rub his eyes and tried to figure out just what was wrong. He would stare into his own eyes and even if they’re the ones he’d seen every day of his life, there was something _off_ about them. After the first half a dozen times, he learns to just stop looking when it happens.

There are times when the world feels far away, like he’s dreaming or sitting back in his skull controlling his body like a puppet. Considering his history, neither is a comforting sensation. He has to wiggle his toes and flex his fingers just to remind himself that they’re his and his alone. He ignores the slight numbness to the sensations.

There are times when he isn’t quite there. He sees what’s going on around him and replies when Dean asks him about getting something to eat or where to crash for the night, but doesn’t even really process the questions. He can barely even form thoughts, like his mind isn’t there. Dean makes the odd joke about him turning into a daydreaming girl that Sam knows is his way of saying he’s worried. But it’s hard to say he's fine when he feels like an empty body running on autopilot. 

There are times when he feels the phantom sensation of wings on his back. Some days it’s three pairs, others it’s just the one. Either way, he presses his back against the bunker wall to try and dispel the feeling because it’s the only solution he’s got for this particular feeling of being trapped in his own body. He asks Cas about it once, if he’s heard of vessels having some weird kind of angelic phantom limbs. Cas had given him a worried look and told him he wasn't certain. Sam hadn’t brought it up again.

There are times when they’re at a bar, and a particularly forward patron will brush against his hips or drag their hand across his lower back. When it happens, his entire body freezes up even as he wants to recoil. He will smile tightly at them until they leave, but the tension in his body won’t leave. Afterwards he stands under the patter of a lukewarm motel shower and tries to scrub away the phantom sensation of hands against the body which hasn’t felt wholly and completely his own in a long time. 

There are times when he sits on his laptop in the early hours of the morning, scrolling through wikipedia articles about mental health or taking quizzes about symptoms that probably aren't made by professionals or looking up online therapists. He never goes through with it, of course, because between the fact they would think he was a completely different sort of crazy and that he’s pretty sure he’s still wanted by the FBI, actually being honest with a therapist is off the table. 

So instead, he gets on with the routine. Save people, hunt things, fix the world when it gets broken. It may not strictly be enjoyable, but there’s nothing like another apocalypse to keep yourself busy. It’s the lulls between the big bads that really catch him off guard, when there’s very little to do besides research, hunt and camp out in the bunker. 

There are times when he honestly thinks he’s fine, and he can chat with Cas or roll his eyes and bitch about Dean’s music taste. He rings Jodie or Garth and listens to them chat about their kids and any monsters they've had to deal with. He does his job and patches himself and his brother up afterwards and everything is as close to normal as it ever gets in his life.

There are times when everyone is out except him and the bunker is so quiet that he has to turn the radio on. He listens to the words very carefully to stop his mind from wandering down paths it really, really shouldn’t. Sometimes it almost even works.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been my headcanon for a couple of years that vessels might get some sort of phantom wing sensations? Idk, it just felt right to me. If it wasn't clear, the three pairs of wings = Lucifer and the one pair = Gadreel (also my headcanon ig).
> 
> I wasn't originally sure about posting this because dissociation is a personal thing for me, so please be gentle :,)


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